Reflection....

I've been running quite a bit and it isn't always the first thing on my list that I would love to do for that day, but I do it because I know it is what's best for me. It's hard and tiring, but in the end I feel so good. I couldn't help but think about this concept in relation to my walk with Jesus.

Some times what's best for us isn't the easiest, funnest, or even most convenient. But life isn't about us, is it?! It's about living a life that is in reckless abandonment to our creator. It is about serving and loving Jesus with all that we are no matter how hard it may seem at that time. It is about wholly surrendering.

I know that my running doesn't even compare to what Christ has done for me, but it has made me think. Reflecting on what this weekend represents brings me to my knees in adoration. All that Jesus went through on my behalf. The obedience that it took for Him to die that horrible death. He would have loved to say "pass", but He knew it wasn't what was best, so he stepped up to the occasion and had such an incredible heart in the process. It was gruesome and horrible, but it turned into something so beautiful and freeing!

Thank you, Jesus, for going through all the horrific and painful humiliation on my behalf. I am forever going to do my best to live out a life that honors you and blesses you.

In my next 30 years...

“I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age

The ending of an era and the turning of a page

Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here

Lord have mercy on my next thirty years”

-Tim McGraw-

Well the day has arrived! I am officially 30 on Thursday. I wish that I could tell you that I am ecstatic to turn 30, but if I am honest with you, I am more disappointed then ecstatic. I am not saying that I am not thankful for the 30 years, or that I do not feel blessed for the life that God has given me. I just had pre-conceived notions of where I thought I would be in life when I turned 30, and I am no where near where I thought I would be or where I hoped I would be.

In my perfect world my husband and I would be living in a beautiful home that we owned and we would have 3 little ones running around. I would be traveling and speaking to teenage girls about their worth. I would be established. I would be effective. I would be “grown up” and over my “issues”.

The reality is that my husband and I are living in a home we rent, we can’t get pregnant, and it seems like the only traveling I do is from the couch to the fridge to get a snack to bring back to the couch to catch up on some “quality” TV. I still feel jealous. I still deal with bitterness. I still struggle with gossiping. I still struggle with speaking before I think.

It’s time to put on my Jesus glasses and see through His eyes. First and foremost I have a God that I am absolutely in love with that I get the honor and privilege to serve, know, and love! I am married to an amazing man that loves the Lord and that I am so beyond in love with. I am blessed with an incredible family that supports me and loves me. I have a circle of friends that anyone would give a limb to have. I have a church family that is exactly that, a family! I am blessed with health. God has given me a year of emotional, relational, and spiritual healing without the distraction of working. I know that I have struggles, but who doesn’t? The Lord knows the intentions of my heart, so even when I screw up, He still loves me and patiently and gracefully instructs me. I have so much to be thankful for!

I am blessed! I have had an incredible 30 years. I know that the next 30 years will be even better than the first! As long as I keep my eyes focused on the Lord, there will be good to come! I serve such an amazing God that is faithful to finish the work He has started in me.

My goal in my next 30 years is to celebrate each year that I am blessed with…Here’s to my next 30 years!

With Faith Like a Mustard Seed

It was in November on a Sunday morning in the 9:15 service and Jason was leading us in the song, "Second Chance" by Hillsong. There is a line that says, "So I’ll wait upon You now, with my hands released to You, where a little faith’s enough to see mountains lift and move." It was during this line that I felt a connection with Jason that I cannot even begin to describe. It was as though this was our cry together with regards to having children. I didn't say anything and then later on that afternoon Jason asked me about that specific part in that song if I felt anything weird. It was at that point that we realized that the Lord had connected us during that song.

Jason and I have been wanting to start a family for a little over a year now and have not been able to conceive. When we had our "moment" we both were praying for the same thing, that Jesus would give us enough faith to believe for a baby. On December 1st we found out that we were pregnant. Although overjoyed at the fact that we heard the words, "you are pregnant" from our doctor, I never felt in my heart that I would meet the baby that was forming inside of my womb. On Christmas Eve we found out that we were indeed miscarrying. I felt so fortunate that the Lord has prepared me for the information and that we were not further along. I definitely mourned the loss of the baby, but I felt the most overwhelming amount of peace. It was the "peace that surpasses all understanding". So, even though it was horrible and painful, I knew in my heart of hearts that Jesus was taking care of me and carrying me through. It was about 4 weeks after the miscarriage and I decided to call the doctor to see how long until we could start trying again. After several blood tests, the doctor told me that I have what is called Polycystic Ovaries. It is an insulin deficiency that is also known as the number one cause for infertility. If I don't get a handle on it, not only will I not be able to get pregnant, it can lead to high cholesterol, diabetes, or even cancer. As the doctor was talking to me my brain started shutting down. It was at that point that I reached my point of absolute brokenness. As I sobbed, Jason held me and prayed scripture over me. I hit a low point of coming to terms with the fact that I may never be able to have a biological child.

I was on Facebook that night, and a friend from my DTS (Discipleship Training School) that I did in 1999 was online. I have not spoken to her in years and she told me that a few months back she was praying for me and the idea of a mustard seed kept coming to her. At that point, I was in awe of how God met me right where I was at! It reminded me immediately of the worship moment that Jason and I had. Immediately Jesus spoke to me that I just needed faith the size of a mustard seed. I was reminded that God is the author of life. Babies are miracles and when it is time, He will give us one. Whether it is our own or through adoption, I can and I will trust in my God to create a baby for us, but in HIS timing. His perfect timing! I got a new tattoo to remind me of this :)

In the meantime I am going to focus on my health. Not just physically but also spiritually. The natural way to help the PCOS is to work out 3-5 times a week for 30 minutes and to really watch my carb intake. No white sugars or carbs since my body doesn't know how to break them down. So I decided that is what I am going to focus on. I have picked up running again. I decided to start training for the half marathon on May 2 in Orange County. With running and pressing into the Lord I am finding myself more healthy both spiritually and physically than I have been in a long time. God is so faithful and patient with me. I have faith, even though it may only be the size of a mustard seed, that there will be a day that I will update this blog with great news of a baby Shafer!

I AM PARCHED

Well...I sit here and through tears try to put my thoughts and feelings on paper....I am in a place where I do not even know what I feel or want anymore. Things are definately out of mine and Jason's realm of control and although it helps us learn to release and allow the Lord to work, it doesnt make it any easier. I am reminded of a story that I have used so many times when I have done a communion meditation or taught youth in the past. I find it very applicable to how I feel now. When my niece, Jillian was about a year old I was babysitting her and she wanted some juice. Being the brain that I am, I poured orange juice in a bottle...you moms know that the pulp may make it difficult for her to drink through the nipple. (i just wrote nipple...feels wierd:)) Anyways, I gave her the bottle and after about 30 minutes there was just as much juice in the bottle as there was when I first gave it to her...and yet she was sucking her little heart out...suddenly a light went on and I realized...the pulp plugged the hole...she cant get any out....so I attempted to take the bottle out of her little hands so that I could get all the pulp out and she would not release that bottle. She was screaming and looking at me like why the heck are you trying to take my bottle...I just kept saying, Jillian...I want to make it so that you can get juice out...just trust me, I will bring this bottle back to you and you will actually be able to get the juice out. I then mumbled, what the heck, I am just trying to help you and give you more...at that point the Lord ministered to me how I am just like Jillian. I have my bottles that I hold so tightly to. I think right now its my bottle of having children, living near my family, and my husband having an amazing job that he loves. Jesus tries to take my bottle to to make it better and I hold onto it with a hard grip screaming cause I want my bottle so bad. The Lord looks at me and says, Surrender. I know what you need and I know what you desire, but you have to relinquish your pre-conceived notions of what that is going to look like and trust me that I will take care of you....Here I am acting like a 1 year old screaming for my bottle, when if I would just release, I would see all that the Lord has intended for Jason and I.

Everytime Jason and I talk about our current state he tells me that he thinks we are in the desert....kinda like Israel went through, and thus the reason why I AM PARCHED! I need to press more into my Jesus...we are on earth for HIS purposes and not our own...because of that, Jesus...here is my bottle!

Oh the joy of waiting and being patient!

so sorry for the delay. (Kristal) :) I just assume nobody reads this. I havent written since I started the blog so I should probably update this bad boy. I just feel like a Debbie Downer and who wants to hear from her??? So, Jason and I did not get the job we were really hoping and praying for. It is hard because I am trying to have a mentality and heart that is "here am I send me" but I just feel tired and disappointed. I know that God knows what He is doing, that is my hope and my encouragement that I am holding onto. Where ever we end up should be good...there has been a lot of prayer that has gone into it! Even if it is not in California with my family and my becky, I will go with a heart of anticipation for all the God wants to do in and through Jason and I. Other then the waiting game, life is good. Work is busy-thank you Iphone! Jason is amazing! I serve a BIG and amazing God! I will keep you readers posted as soon as I know anything....

Customer service can be enlightening

So, I work at ATT and I must say that it is the best job I have ever had. I love the people that I work with, for the most part the customers, and the pay isnt too shabby either. I am very thankful for God using Melissa to get me this job. It has been nothing short of a blessing. Although, I love my job, there is an aspect of it that I hate that has been kind of an eye opener to me. As I talk to Jason and my mom about it they both said I am naive and I am sure that you too will agree. People are selfish by nature. I know that I can be selfish, but I am shocked to see the selfishness that is out there. I will go the extra mile for my customers. I will come in on my days off, answer their call whether or not I am at work, I will sit on hold with cust service to fight on their behalf, and I will get them the best deals possible. I thought for sure if I am doing all of this for my customers they will surely be loyal and appreciative...think again! It has been a harsh reality because I want to believe that all people are good and loyal and want others best intrest over theirs...this is not the case:( so to all of you out there that are appreciating others and putting them before yourselves, keep it up! This yucky way of life is going to continue until we all take a good look at our lives and change...it all starts with us...

Im a sucker, I gave in!

So my good friend Kristal has been blogging for awhile. She would always ask me if I read her blog that day, and feeling like a horrible friend I would say no. My secret is, I had no idea what blogging was or how to even get on to read her blog...Now my husband, Jason, has been blogging for a few months now so I feel completely out of the loop seeing all the blogs out there. So, my blogging journey begins...