I AM PARCHED

Well...I sit here and through tears try to put my thoughts and feelings on paper....I am in a place where I do not even know what I feel or want anymore. Things are definately out of mine and Jason's realm of control and although it helps us learn to release and allow the Lord to work, it doesnt make it any easier. I am reminded of a story that I have used so many times when I have done a communion meditation or taught youth in the past. I find it very applicable to how I feel now. When my niece, Jillian was about a year old I was babysitting her and she wanted some juice. Being the brain that I am, I poured orange juice in a bottle...you moms know that the pulp may make it difficult for her to drink through the nipple. (i just wrote nipple...feels wierd:)) Anyways, I gave her the bottle and after about 30 minutes there was just as much juice in the bottle as there was when I first gave it to her...and yet she was sucking her little heart out...suddenly a light went on and I realized...the pulp plugged the hole...she cant get any out....so I attempted to take the bottle out of her little hands so that I could get all the pulp out and she would not release that bottle. She was screaming and looking at me like why the heck are you trying to take my bottle...I just kept saying, Jillian...I want to make it so that you can get juice out...just trust me, I will bring this bottle back to you and you will actually be able to get the juice out. I then mumbled, what the heck, I am just trying to help you and give you more...at that point the Lord ministered to me how I am just like Jillian. I have my bottles that I hold so tightly to. I think right now its my bottle of having children, living near my family, and my husband having an amazing job that he loves. Jesus tries to take my bottle to to make it better and I hold onto it with a hard grip screaming cause I want my bottle so bad. The Lord looks at me and says, Surrender. I know what you need and I know what you desire, but you have to relinquish your pre-conceived notions of what that is going to look like and trust me that I will take care of you....Here I am acting like a 1 year old screaming for my bottle, when if I would just release, I would see all that the Lord has intended for Jason and I.

Everytime Jason and I talk about our current state he tells me that he thinks we are in the desert....kinda like Israel went through, and thus the reason why I AM PARCHED! I need to press more into my Jesus...we are on earth for HIS purposes and not our own...because of that, Jesus...here is my bottle!