It was in November on a Sunday morning in the 9:15 service and Jason was leading us in the song, "Second Chance" by Hillsong. There is a line that says, "So I’ll wait upon You now, with my hands released to You, where a little faith’s enough to see mountains lift and move." It was during this line that I felt a connection with Jason that I cannot even begin to describe. It was as though this was our cry together with regards to having children. I didn't say anything and then later on that afternoon Jason asked me about that specific part in that song if I felt anything weird. It was at that point that we realized that the Lord had connected us during that song.Jason and I have been wanting to start a family for a little over a year now and have not been able to conceive. When we had our "moment" we both were praying for the same thing, that Jesus would give us enough faith to believe for a baby. On December 1st we found out that we were pregnant. Although overjoyed at the fact that we heard the words, "you are pregnant" from our doctor, I never felt in my heart that I would meet the baby that was forming inside of my womb. On Christmas Eve we found out that we were indeed miscarrying. I felt so fortunate that the Lord has prepared me for the information and that we were not further along. I definitely mourned the loss of the baby, but I felt the most overwhelming amount of peace. It was the "peace that surpasses all understanding". So, even though it was horrible and painful, I knew in my heart of hearts that Jesus was taking care of me and carrying me through. It was about 4 weeks after the miscarriage and I decided to call the doctor to see how long until we could start trying again. After several blood tests, the doctor told me that I have what is called Polycystic Ovaries. It is an insulin deficiency that is also known as the number one cause for infertility. If I don't get a handle on it, not only will I not be able to get pregnant, it can lead to high cholesterol, diabetes, or even cancer. As the doctor was talking to me my brain started shutting down. It was at that point that I reached my point of absolute brokenness. As I sobbed, Jason held me and prayed scripture over me. I hit a low point of coming to terms with the fact that I may never be able to have a biological child.
I was on Facebook that night, and a friend from my DTS (Discipleship Training School) that I did in 1999 was online. I have not spoken to her in years and she told me that a few months back she was praying for me and the idea of a mustard seed kept coming to her. At that point, I was in awe of how God met me right where I was at! It reminded me immediately of the worship moment that Jason and I had. Immediately Jesus spoke to me that I just needed faith the size of a mustard seed. I was reminded that God is the author of life. Babies are miracles and when it is time, He will give us one. Whether it is our own or through adoption, I can and I will trust in my God to create a baby for us, but in HIS timing. His perfect timing! I got a new tattoo to remind me of this :)
In the meantime I am going to focus on my health. Not just physically but also spiritually. The natural way to help the PCOS is to work out 3-5 times a week for 30 minutes and to really watch my carb intake. No white sugars or carbs since my body doesn't know how to break them down. So I decided that is what I am going to focus on. I have picked up running again. I decided to start training for the half marathon on May 2 in Orange County. With running and pressing into the Lord I am finding myself more healthy both spiritually and physically than I have been in a long time. God is so faithful and patient with me. I have faith, even though it may only be the size of a mustard seed, that there will be a day that I will update this blog with great news of a baby Shafer!
